On our second date, I knew we’d end up together forever.

He took my hand and led me through a crowded bar, and it felt like all the missing pieces I had left behind rushed back.

We got married in the middle of nowhere on a deck during the pandemic. And then had a reception at the end of 2021. 

And then cancer came. His cancer treatment was brutal. And traumatic. He came close to dying. We walked two different paths, anchored in the same experience. My entire life was flipped upside down when I became his caregiver. And, fighting the hospital network to get him admitted to the long-term cancer wing was not something I ever thought I’d have to do. 

I don’t think we could have moved through the cancer and caregiving journey together and come out of it as the same two people. We’re different. And ultimately, it made us different as a couple.

After caregiving, I needed an outside source to help me find my center again, so I got into therapy. 

The divorce rate between caregivers and patients is really high. Couples aren’t the same after as they are before.

To help Gavin and me grow together as a married couple, we started following some of these tips from my therapist:

• Start the day talking about something fun and laugh. 
• Go out on a date once a week, even if it’s just for a long walk together. 
• Go to bed at the same time. 
• Hug for 20 seconds. 
• Talk about the future. 

I love my therapist. She was the one who first used the term narcissistic to describe someone I know who needs a lot of attention and who blames and gaslights. She has even tried to come between Gavin and I. 

Narcissistic tendencies are actually on the rise due to social media, but narcissistic personality disorder is pretty rare. 

But regardless, it takes a lot to come between Gavin and me. Ironically, we had crossed paths since we were kids and never met. We stayed at the same hotel in Hawaii in 1992. We lived down the street from one another twice in our lifetime, and worked across the street from one another for years. But it wasn’t until a Bumble swipe in 2018 that we finally met in person. 

One day, after therapy, I got a string of articles about how to manage, treat, and handle someone with strong narcissistic tendencies. And then a clean text that read:

Five recommendations for dealing with someone with narcissistic tendencies. 

• Respond to text messages with one-word answers only.
• Withdraw energy as much as possible, ultimately protecting our mental health. 
• Don’t react to baiting comments.
• Take nothing they say personally or with any merit. 
• Keep everything in writing. 

It seemed simple and supportive. The first thing Gavin and I did was emotionally withdraw our energy. We actively decided we were no longer invested in emotional games narcissistic people play. And as we withdrew our energy, my whole body let out a big sigh of relief. It was almost as though I was constantly protecting myself from a surprise verbal attack. And I didn’t need to. 

Protecting our mental health as individuals and as a couple above all else has been really good for us and our marriage, in all aspects of it. 

This one afternoon, Gavin and I got a text asking if either of us could run an errand for someone we do our best to avoid. Since I was going to be out anyway, and we do what we can to be civil, I offered to meet her at 3:00 p.m. She agreed, and I went about my day. 

When 3:00 p.m. came, I showed up and waited. And waited. Finally, at 3:10 p.m., I texted my husband, “I am giving her five more minutes, and then I’m leaving.”

“Sounds good,” he wrote back. 

At 3:15 p.m., she still hadn’t shown. So I left. Later that day, she sent a text to take a jab at my career, claiming the topic of my next book could be about the trauma I had to endure waiting for someone else to show. When my husband saw my shocked expression, he hugged me, gave me a kiss, and reminded me of what my therapist said about how narcissistic people respond when they feel out of control. They blame and attack. Rather than give a thumbs-up or even not respond, as my therapist would have recommended, because it was clearly a bait comment, my husband, being the good guy he is, sent one of those mic-drop comments. 

“She can make anything sound interesting. Others can not.” 

I chuckled under my breath. He winked at me, put his phone down, and I took our dog for an afternoon car ride. When I came home, I picked up one of Elle Kennedy’s books and climbed into bed. By 9:00 p.m. that night, I was lying on my husband’s chest, my leg draped around his, with his fingers tangled up in my hair, and we were drifting off to sleep like an old married couple without a care in the world. 

But you know… that would make for a great scene in a story. 

Two months later, a fiction book idea came forward, and I’ve been writing ever since! 

Let the inspiration come where it needs to come from! 

And let the narcissistic folks fall off into the void. 

Xx

C